Suicide or tea today?

OK so it’s been a week (and now longer as it’s almost another since starting this) I have written, and I don’t know what it is about Tuesdays but they make me blue at the moment. Somewhat ironically I was born on a Tuesday - full of grace and all that, anyhow that’s not the point, a couple of key subject matters I flagged over the week. 

I wanted to get a GP appointment, our local surgery is particularly busy it seems. I phoned and asked for an urgent one. Firstly I was told to ring back and press a different option after a 10 minute wait (it’s hardly a call centre in Chineham but OK fine) did that and after being on hold for even longer listening to some alert about Coronavirus, I finally get through to someone. I ask for an urgent appointment, she says some date in March, given that it was the 12 February when I called, that hardly seemed urgent. Anyhow I explained that it was not an option, and she said someone would call me back later. So later when the nurse called, I mentioned my diagnosis and really need to speak to someone. She offered me a date 10 days later, but I if I was suicidal to please ring back sooner! 

Do you think that was the advice Caroline had? What If I had been suicidal, do you think I might have thought oh I better phone them back to check today is OK

Anyway, I won’t get all morbid, and truly still feel sick about poor Caroline, our media and social trolls, have taken away a young and talented lady. As she says, “in a world where we can be anything, be kind.” RIP.

Let’s talk wee. Over the last week, I did do my 4 day input and output measuring,  I got so used to peeing in a measuring jug that a couple of times during the last day I went to the effort of aiming for the jug, but then flushed it straight away without actually looking how much was there. Luckily I had also got use to knowing about how much was coming out, so made educated guesses where needed!

I’ve been gyming as normal, usually 7am before the day starts. Some have felt better than others. Box Jumps/Step overs always seem to be shaky on the leg balance, I haven’t dared to double under, sticking with the ski urg. I was worried about Friday’s workout, which included the dreaded skipping, but actually felt quite good with the replacement and by the end was reasonably happy - something I am quite reluctant to be with myself!

This week also saw my first CBT session, I was worried as have tried counselling once before and it really did not work, I did not feel comfortable talking to a guy twice my age and only managed a few. Anyhow this Wednesday with Lyn was good, she already has given me some practical brain advice, advised I have what’s called Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) with low self esteem and high self-expectations in her follow up email and promises to shed some more light as to why I am addicted to exercise next week!

So work. I guess I am still living in denial, have been going about gym and work as normal really up until now, and then cursing myself for being tired and emotional by the afternoon. Although I have been working at home, giving me the ability ‘to measure’ and to take breaks when needed I think the doctor yesterday was concerned that any small amounts of stress were being intensified at the moment and could be detrimental to my health. She was worried that until I get the call from Southampton and start the drugs any amount of stress could make things worse, and given the drug only promises to stop it in its tracks rather than help current problem she wants me to not work at all over next 2 weeks and concentrate on accepting things in my head first. I very reluctantly sent the certificate to HR yesterday and promised not to look at emails for a while.

Neil and I are looking forward to a trip back to Wales at the weekend, sea and (no) sun will always help put a few things in perspective.

Anyhow, back to the title of this blog, I choose tea. 

Try and talk to your family and friends if you are feeling down. #Love

The Wee Doctor

I struggled today.

This morning felt quite good, our WOD was Power Cleans, and was OK. Not as heavy as would like, and stopped at 40kg (this is hard but am trying to take some advice). And then after had a nice coffee with Sarah and Claire, and we started our days.

After a couple of work calls I then had to go to my Urology appointment at the Hampshire Clinic. This was the first time back there since two weeks ago when was given the ‘MS News’ with Neil.

It was OK, he was really good, we had a chat, I asked him some questions. He said he had seen A LOT of MS patients in his career, but never one so soon after diagnosis. I didn’t like to ask if this was good or bad, so for my own sanity, took the former to be true. He kindly assured me that it wasn’t my fault I had MS, and that I had not done it to myself.

I got given the drug Betmiga (50g) and advised to take one a day with water. He also mentioned it should help with both the bladder and the bowels and have to make a 4 day Fluid intake (and outtake) diary to show him in two weeks. Now this form, looks simple, but am still quite baffled as to how without a measuring jug you know how much you’re outputting. Anyhow, I will make a considered guess as can’t bring myself to actually measure each wee! Thank you for the offer of the hair jug device Sarah, but not sure your clients would be massively appreciative if they knew where it had been (or what it had held) before the hair dye on their heads!

It’s worth noting that when picking up the tablets in Boots after, the cashier kindly asked for (as a private prescription) £39.15! I almost had a heart attack to add to the chronic illness - I’m not sure I can afford MS!

Tesco was a struggle, I had made - during the 10 minute drive from the clinic to the Chineham Shopping centre - a conscious decision, that I would like to be a nicer person in every aspect, then....this old man with a walking stick knocked straight into me, and tutted away like it was my fault - wanker!

Anyway, felt quite spacey in the shop, complete forgot where I parked, and then attempted to get in the wrong car. In my defence, it was a Black GTD.

I am not sure whether I am back at work too soon after 4 days off last week, but feel worse in some respects. I feel like I don’t know who I am, or who I am supposed to be anymore. Also being on calls, is really hard and in some cases making me feel more teary. I kind of feel alone in that respect, I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I don’t want to be on my own wallowing in my own self pity, but also finding it hard to talk hard drives and gaming at the moment. This has really made question everything and my career choices. I massively appreciate the support from my colleagues and friends, and I guess a kind of unique situation, as working from home, can be even more stressful. I never want to turn off, and has always been a struggle in terms of time zones. I feel in a no-win situation, as can go into to the office, but the 3 hour round trip is not good for my health (or other drivers) as well!

I feel like the most contradictory person, as bet if I didn’t have those calls or work to at least half focus on, I’d have a whole new set of problems and.....I need the money!

By 3pm today was really tired and massively emotional, no real reason for it. Thank you Neilly, Sarah and Chris Collins for the messages this afternoon.

I would love to do the yoga class this evening at DW, but not sure I can bring myself to go back out today.

Over and out.

Han xxx

Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

Get comfortable with the uncomfortable (title word credit to Sarah Allcock, available for weddings, funerals and general get togethers, if you’re lucky)

I have had a few days to think even further on this, this being that word(s) MS. 
Now, I have expanded the list of people I have told (and believe me the first hit of send on social scared the shit out me), it got me thinking and worrying about whether I should tell people/anyone in general, and whether by saying that word(s) I am making people uncomfortable and perhaps they don’t know how to react when me saying I have just been diagnosed. I mean, what do you say, if you mention that C word as well? “Shit mate, sorry, life sucks” ?

I actually don’t have the answer, as yet indeed it can suck, we can all draw the short straw in life at any given moment. Illness, infidelity, death (not in that order) in fact the list is far too long for me to even start - so looking at the here and now, who should we tell and how do we stop people from feeling uncomfortable and sorry for us?

So, it seems normal practice to tell someone you have a cold/the flu, a bad head, but not to chuck in the M.S.or C words in there too...Should I shake someone’s hand, and say ‘Hi i’m Hannah from Sherfield Park (too posh to call Basingstoke but really it is), I have MS’ just like someone says ‘Don’t come too close to me I have a cold’ ? Probably not, but it’s a thought! 

I say this, as this week I have been attending the local CrossFit box in Haverfordwest, where really I don’t know the athletes from Adam, as lovely as they are. But after the initial, I am visiting my mum for a few days, i’ve been adding in the ‘oh and my double unders are fucked as I now have MS’. Probably not the normal greeting, but nevertheless my anger on my legs not working properly, has at the moment still got the better of me. 
A couple of ‘oh shit’ faces i’m sure but did I really need to add that in there? Do I want people to know I am normally better at this shit, but now i’m defined by my disease? Probably, but that’s my problem and have indeed been referred for 10 CBT sessions by Bupa’s health doctor - oh and for people who are not sure what that is, it stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (TBH I wasn’t sure either until I was told I needed it). I worried about mentioning probably even more so in my own CrossFit gym at home last week, sorry guys, I just don’t want to make an excuse for being shitter than before. It was OK, when it just involved a hangover!

This afternoon I have come into a lovely pub in Little Haven to look at the sea, a place Neilly and I love, and the bar man Alfie, a nice young man, starts up a conversation whilst ordering my wine (yes I’m allowed wine). This somehow involves him telling me (in probably the less than 5 minutes we were talking) that he has been banned from driving for 15 months, following him driving his un-MOT’d car at speed away from a police car in Cardiff, being chased for a while but getting away (I think he was showing off on his driving skills there, but that’s irrelevant) but that he ended up handing himself in the next day. I did find this funny, although I probably shouldn’t, and he does indeed as promised come up as the first hit when googling ‘Alfie Young Police Chase’ which he told me I could check. He did also add that he never had been in trouble before, and the 15 month ban, and 6 month suspended sentence seemed a wee bit harsh! 

Anyway, the point i’m trying to make, is that as humans, we have a preconception about what is normal chitchat and what isn’t. Perhaps I look trustworthy (or dodgy on my own on an iPad in West Wales) and perhaps it is the British in me that thinks such things aren’t talked about, so sorry I don’t mean to be presumptuous as i’m not suggesting we start all sorts of inappropriate conversations (Brexit included!), but maybe we need to change that. Maybe given I am stuck with MS for life and so are the other 2.3 million people in the world (that stat is from nationalmssociety.org but can’t believe that’s it) this is something we should talk about, we can joke about and something that we should bring to the table - along with the wine and the police chases!

Just a thought. 


WOD today was:

3 x 10 Min AMRAP in teams of 3

1.
30 consecutive DU or 50 singles (I struggled with these, so managed about 30 singles at a time)
10 x Synchro Thrusters (stuck at 25kg)

2 min rest

2.
30 Pull ups
10 x synchro OH Squats (stuck at 25 too)

2 min rest

3.
200m Row
10 x synchro power cleans (30kg)

Felt a little conscious in a team WOD today, not being able to work full capacity and quite leg intensive , but was good.

Well done to my CFB hero’s for hitting Karen today (to everyone else, don’t worry they are all now in custody)

Now for Ireland v Wales rugby tomorrow! C’mon Wales!

Han xx

Fitness Obsessed Diagnosed with MS

.......And so my story begins

WTF - On the 27th January 2020, around 2.30pm, my world as I know it turned upside down. From the time of writing, that was six days ago.  

I was going in to speak to the neurologist at the HampshireClinic in Basingstoke, after having a two part spine and brain MRI in the couple of weeks previously. On the initial appointment, he seemed pretty confident that it was NOT going to be MS, so I went in last Monday thinking a few pills, injection at worst and all would be right.

I’ve got to be honest, the moment, he said those letters – M.S – I don’t really remember much else of it but luckily my husband, @Neil was there to ask the sensible things one should ask.

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a condition that affects your brain and spinal cord. In MS, the coating that protects your nerves (myelin) is damaged. This causes a range of symptoms like blurred vision and problems with how we move think and feel.Words from mssociety.org.uk

Now I’ve had a few days to try process it, it all seems kind of obvious really. I think I can remember the first time I had ‘jelly legs’ it was probably after the London marathon around 3 years ago, it was pretty horrible, but gone within a few minutes, so didn’t really think much more of it, after all I had just done a marathon! It then started happening after half marathons, 10ks and even 5ks when I had pushed myself quite hard. I remember saying to someone after a Park Run in Basingstoke, my legs felt like that were collapsing, really thinking, it was age, and surely it happened to everyone!

It has been really hard to describe the feeling to anyone, the best I could manage was ‘drunk legs’, the legs basically not doing what the brain was telling them to. Thanks to @Sarah for the long runs and support over this time – I must have done her head in!

It was perhaps even more annoying when it started happening at CrossFit, when pushing myself (which by the way I love doing), during even the shorter workouts with running, rowing, squatting, box jumps, and skipping notably the worst.

I think probably it came to a bit of a head when I had a particularly bad case of it in October last year during the Basingstoke Half Marathon, and found myself literally having to throw myself over the finish line. There are some really bad pictures of me somewhere. A few friends and runners at my local club expressed their concerns, but being the hilliest route ever, I still kind of put it down to again pushing myself too hard and found myself doing the Great South Run two weeks after that.

I noticed as well over the last couple of years, my balance going, but was really trying to do more standing on one foot, yoga and stretching, not really to any avail, but in my head it was helping!

I had many a visit to the GP, but they always put the issues down to tiredness, and thus it continued. Luckily, through the Private Health I have at work I went to a physio, who then referred me to a neurologist just before Christmas.

Ever since I can remember I’ve been into fitness, running and sports as a child, then completing my first marathon when I was 24 I think! I have done 11 marathons now, (one being the Marathon du Medoc https://www.marathondumedoc.com/with @Dave and crew, mainly fuelled by red wine, ice cream and oysters in Bordeaux – double my fastest marathon time, but such fun!), hundreds of half marathons, 10 milers, 10ks, Hell Runners, Tough Guy, Triathlons and for the last six years have been CrossFit obsessed, to the extent of the amazing Hangar, garage gym at home. Thank you Neilly.

This is an honest diary with no frills, so look away now if you’d prefer not to know, but unfortunately it didn’t stop just with the legs, and have experienced progressingly worse bladder and bowl issues.

Writing it all down now, and having looked at the symptoms for Primary Progressive MS on the Charity websites, it’s just all too familiar. And although I mentioned it at the beginning I never actually thought I had the disease. Not in a million years. Now I have so many questions, did I do it to myself? Did I not rest enough? Did I push too hard? Get too stressed at work, drink too much, and what the hell is going to happen in the future?

I have literally no idea.

The neurologist did say not to google too much, so I haven’t done much yet as to not scare the shit out of myself, but so far, I can’t find anyone that may have been diagnosed in a similar way to me, anyone that can’t imagine a life without CrossFit and running. I’m sure they are out there but at the moment, it’s just me!!!

Right let’s get something straight, my worst nightmare would be pity, so I don’t mean to be self-obsessed and selfish. I know it could be a lot worse, that people have far more problems than not being able to do a 60kg clean (those who know, know) or run a 3.20 marathon.

The few bits I have read online, are eyes being affected and concentration going (now that’s always been a problem, I blame my father), tiredness but more than anything, it says everyone is different, so who knows. The neurologist did say the drug for this particular type of MS has only just made legal in the UK last year 2019, whereas before there was nothing for it at all. Although there is no cure, it hopefully will stop it from getting worse. It doesn’t sound very nice, but next stage, having been referred back to the NHS, is waiting for Southampton Hospital specialist MS department to get in touch.

I think I have to get my mental state right before anything else, I have a stressful job that I have always wanted to give 500 percent. I’ve travelled too much, not slept through stressing, feeling not good enough or disliked is a constant battle. It’s the same with fitness and at home, not giving everything the same 500 percent. I hate inefficiency, I hate wasting time, and I hate not being busy. I get annoyed being stuck in traffic, the train being delayed or laziness – god I sound like a bitch – see what I mean!

Breathe!

Back to exercise. When I do a workout, I like the kind that leaves you feeling absolutely fucked at the end, the HERO WODs, the ones where you feel like you’ve done everything you can and put everything into it. I love those and it scares me not being able to do that anymore. I like to be pushed and to push myself to the limit. So, it also scares me, that I have to completely change my lifetime mind-set and goals, so this will be a journey, a really hard one but I definitely don’t want this to get the better of me, and I definitely don’t want to end up in a wheelchair.

I saw the amazing Laura @BambooHolistics for a reflexology session last week, and she gave some great advice, first just write down everything that is positive in your life right now.

So to start, I married the love of my life last year and don’t know what I’d do without him, I have amazing family and friends and I have a cat called Fizz who is being unusually very loving at the moment – I’ll take that – and the list will continue. Taking some time out next week in Wales with mum, having a few days on the coast of Pembrokeshire is always good to re-evaluate – and of course teed up the local CrossFit box, I’m coming back!

Again, back to the exercise! Started with a ‘bro sesh’ with Neil yesterday, and for those interested in my kind of now MS scaled WODs this was today’s NC60 actually programmed for tomorrow. I have also have read how particularly important it’s going to be or me to warm everything up properly, and that another thing to get around is that I am never going to be able to compare with before. 😢

Strict press

1-1-1-1-1 –  up to a dodgy 35kg

WOD

40-30-20

Cals Bike

12-12-12

Strict DB Press with 2 x 8KG

30-30-30

Sit Ups

This was for time, so 17.30 trying to take a bit easy. Oh and sorry Neilly (on a flight to Florida for work at the moment), from now on Sundays I promise will be a yoga only day.

I have no idea on the MS hashtags, I’m more down with the CrossFit, but so here begins a new chapter!