Suicide or tea today?

OK so it’s been a week (and now longer as it’s almost another since starting this) I have written, and I don’t know what it is about Tuesdays but they make me blue at the moment. Somewhat ironically I was born on a Tuesday - full of grace and all that, anyhow that’s not the point, a couple of key subject matters I flagged over the week. 

I wanted to get a GP appointment, our local surgery is particularly busy it seems. I phoned and asked for an urgent one. Firstly I was told to ring back and press a different option after a 10 minute wait (it’s hardly a call centre in Chineham but OK fine) did that and after being on hold for even longer listening to some alert about Coronavirus, I finally get through to someone. I ask for an urgent appointment, she says some date in March, given that it was the 12 February when I called, that hardly seemed urgent. Anyhow I explained that it was not an option, and she said someone would call me back later. So later when the nurse called, I mentioned my diagnosis and really need to speak to someone. She offered me a date 10 days later, but I if I was suicidal to please ring back sooner! 

Do you think that was the advice Caroline had? What If I had been suicidal, do you think I might have thought oh I better phone them back to check today is OK

Anyway, I won’t get all morbid, and truly still feel sick about poor Caroline, our media and social trolls, have taken away a young and talented lady. As she says, “in a world where we can be anything, be kind.” RIP.

Let’s talk wee. Over the last week, I did do my 4 day input and output measuring,  I got so used to peeing in a measuring jug that a couple of times during the last day I went to the effort of aiming for the jug, but then flushed it straight away without actually looking how much was there. Luckily I had also got use to knowing about how much was coming out, so made educated guesses where needed!

I’ve been gyming as normal, usually 7am before the day starts. Some have felt better than others. Box Jumps/Step overs always seem to be shaky on the leg balance, I haven’t dared to double under, sticking with the ski urg. I was worried about Friday’s workout, which included the dreaded skipping, but actually felt quite good with the replacement and by the end was reasonably happy - something I am quite reluctant to be with myself!

This week also saw my first CBT session, I was worried as have tried counselling once before and it really did not work, I did not feel comfortable talking to a guy twice my age and only managed a few. Anyhow this Wednesday with Lyn was good, she already has given me some practical brain advice, advised I have what’s called Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) with low self esteem and high self-expectations in her follow up email and promises to shed some more light as to why I am addicted to exercise next week!

So work. I guess I am still living in denial, have been going about gym and work as normal really up until now, and then cursing myself for being tired and emotional by the afternoon. Although I have been working at home, giving me the ability ‘to measure’ and to take breaks when needed I think the doctor yesterday was concerned that any small amounts of stress were being intensified at the moment and could be detrimental to my health. She was worried that until I get the call from Southampton and start the drugs any amount of stress could make things worse, and given the drug only promises to stop it in its tracks rather than help current problem she wants me to not work at all over next 2 weeks and concentrate on accepting things in my head first. I very reluctantly sent the certificate to HR yesterday and promised not to look at emails for a while.

Neil and I are looking forward to a trip back to Wales at the weekend, sea and (no) sun will always help put a few things in perspective.

Anyhow, back to the title of this blog, I choose tea. 

Try and talk to your family and friends if you are feeling down. #Love