The Wee Doctor

I struggled today.

This morning felt quite good, our WOD was Power Cleans, and was OK. Not as heavy as would like, and stopped at 40kg (this is hard but am trying to take some advice). And then after had a nice coffee with Sarah and Claire, and we started our days.

After a couple of work calls I then had to go to my Urology appointment at the Hampshire Clinic. This was the first time back there since two weeks ago when was given the ‘MS News’ with Neil.

It was OK, he was really good, we had a chat, I asked him some questions. He said he had seen A LOT of MS patients in his career, but never one so soon after diagnosis. I didn’t like to ask if this was good or bad, so for my own sanity, took the former to be true. He kindly assured me that it wasn’t my fault I had MS, and that I had not done it to myself.

I got given the drug Betmiga (50g) and advised to take one a day with water. He also mentioned it should help with both the bladder and the bowels and have to make a 4 day Fluid intake (and outtake) diary to show him in two weeks. Now this form, looks simple, but am still quite baffled as to how without a measuring jug you know how much you’re outputting. Anyhow, I will make a considered guess as can’t bring myself to actually measure each wee! Thank you for the offer of the hair jug device Sarah, but not sure your clients would be massively appreciative if they knew where it had been (or what it had held) before the hair dye on their heads!

It’s worth noting that when picking up the tablets in Boots after, the cashier kindly asked for (as a private prescription) £39.15! I almost had a heart attack to add to the chronic illness - I’m not sure I can afford MS!

Tesco was a struggle, I had made - during the 10 minute drive from the clinic to the Chineham Shopping centre - a conscious decision, that I would like to be a nicer person in every aspect, then....this old man with a walking stick knocked straight into me, and tutted away like it was my fault - wanker!

Anyway, felt quite spacey in the shop, complete forgot where I parked, and then attempted to get in the wrong car. In my defence, it was a Black GTD.

I am not sure whether I am back at work too soon after 4 days off last week, but feel worse in some respects. I feel like I don’t know who I am, or who I am supposed to be anymore. Also being on calls, is really hard and in some cases making me feel more teary. I kind of feel alone in that respect, I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I don’t want to be on my own wallowing in my own self pity, but also finding it hard to talk hard drives and gaming at the moment. This has really made question everything and my career choices. I massively appreciate the support from my colleagues and friends, and I guess a kind of unique situation, as working from home, can be even more stressful. I never want to turn off, and has always been a struggle in terms of time zones. I feel in a no-win situation, as can go into to the office, but the 3 hour round trip is not good for my health (or other drivers) as well!

I feel like the most contradictory person, as bet if I didn’t have those calls or work to at least half focus on, I’d have a whole new set of problems and.....I need the money!

By 3pm today was really tired and massively emotional, no real reason for it. Thank you Neilly, Sarah and Chris Collins for the messages this afternoon.

I would love to do the yoga class this evening at DW, but not sure I can bring myself to go back out today.

Over and out.

Han xxx