I guess that’s why they call it the (London Marathon) blues

It’s the night before what would have been the 2020 London Marathon. 

Actually I hadn’t planned to do it this year, instead was supporting my sister on her second marathon journey (rather than the other way round for a change!).

That being said, that ‘night before’ feeling is not unusual to me, and actually feels like somewhat of a norm. I have run London 9 times (or is it 10, I can’t remember) and is a marathon very close to my heart. Many an evening before, I have written something on social, be it as a tragic case of the last minute inability to run or as a comeback ‘fuck ya’ following surgery, or just as an opportunity to raise some money for a charity or to push for a PB. 

This year is off the scale mad, the Covid pandemic has put paid to everything for everyone. 

It’s that time of year I have Facebook memories pop up constantly of marathons past, each one with its own story. The most recent one I did 2 years ago. We think that’s maybe where the MS (unbeknown to us then of course) jelly legs really took off! It was the hottest on record, I remember struggling like no other and pretty much having to crawl to the end, and as a result and much to my massive annoyance didn’t get within the Good For Age bracket for the first time in quite a few years. 

Good For Age, for those that aren’t marathon au fait, is a bracket of allowed finish time for certain ages that means you can get a guaranteed place for a marathon such as London. It is notoriously hard to get in via the ballot, unless your Sarah Allcock who with a chance of 25 to 1, got in 2 years running - something a lot of runners would be extremely jealous of! Anyway you need to prove you have done a marathon in this specific time to get your guaranteed place. Something I managed to blag probably for the 8 or 9 times!

Even though my legs struggled to go forward towards the end of that marathon, rather than MS in the equation, we put it down to the extremely hot conditions, the fact that most others were way off their predicted times, and that I recovered reasonably fast again. In fact, I can’t be sure I even spoke about it massively to anyone.

Anyway, not here to talk MS really, I am talking about the lack of marathons tomorrow and to plea we get together and try and help the hundreds of charities that are losing out from the events that are currently not talking place, and the millions of pounds that they are down from us good people not putting ourselves out there to raise some money. 

TwoPointSixChallenge.co.uk has been started by the London Marathon, pleading with the country to do the 2.6 challenge to help save our UK charities. It can be any activity, from running to swing balling 26 times, just something to fundraise some cash no matter how small. 

Tomorrow, Neil and I, Flo and Michael will be doing a team marathon row in our separate homes. I can’t really run far at the moment, so will join Neil on his rowing adventure, and together we’ll hit 26.2 miles. I’ll be donating some money to the MS Society, feel free to join me or to choose your own. 

It’ll be a sad day tomorrow, not being able to even watch on TV, so please get involved with your own thing and I might even live feed a little bit of ours.

Well done to the ever incredible Ed Jackson, who walked Everest up and down his own staircase, 5566 flights (89,056 individual steps) raising over £41K and counting for Wings for Life (searching for a cure for spinal cord injury) and the Forever Friends Appeal in support of the NHS. And we all know about Captain Tom Moore’s 100th. Birthday walk - almost £29 million as it stands - so many inspiring people.

Tomorrow is 26 April like you’ve never had it before, it’s the ‘same same’ but very different. Do something amazing, even if it’s 26 burpees and a pound donation. 

I’ll be back running the London Marathon one year soon, giving MS the massive finger. In the meantime, we’re still “taking each day as it comes”. 

See you tomorrow fellow everyday warriors. :)

Han xx

The drugs don’t work (although they better bloody do!)

Pre-appointment 

I’m in the car on way to hospital, and no I’m not driving, that would certainly be cause for a few of the Vs if as per a previous blog. Neilly and I are on our way, despite having confused Southampton distance for Portsmouth, Great South Run hour journey and mass queues, rather than half an hour to Southampton and quiet roads, so we’re set to be 1.5 hours early (I hate being early!). My fault - I’ll take that - I don’t know why but I’ve very rarely been south on the M3 other than for the GSR, so automatically had that time in my head! 

Anyway we’ll be on time, shame there are no coffee shops open for breakfast!

Sleep

Having said that my sleep was getting better, last night it was dreadful. Gave up at 4.30, got up and had tea and read a mindless novel. The Running Man, Gilbert Tuhabonye, was definitely too hardcore for me this morning, and TBH it is at the best of times, sad and inspiring though!

Post-appointment 

Now home contemplating. 

So, at my initial appointment the neurologist had diagnosed me with Primary Progressive MS, a rarer form with only one drug legalised in the UK last year. However this morning, after a multitude of questions, re examining of the scans and notes and some physical tests, the doctor advised that he would not like to label my MS as just Primary and I had definite signs of Relapsing Remitting MS, a more common type. This is better news, as more research and drugs have been done and available for this form. 

He asked whether I would rather the “harder core” type available? Whether he used that phrase, probably not, but that’s what I remember, and that’s of course what I said I definitely would be interested in. Given the current pandemic there is a ban on certain types, as they massively affect your immune system, which includes the original one we were hoping for Ocrevus https://www.nationalmssociety.org/Treating-MS/Medications/Ocrevus however he did say there was one that I could potentially get authority for, and he thinks he could convince the panel who also need to approve it in the meeting he had this afternoon. 

This one is called Tysabri: 

https://www.nationalmssociety.org/Treating-MS/Medications/Tysabri-®

Tysabri® is a laboratory-produced monoclonal antibody. It is designed to hamper movement of potentially damaging immune cells from the bloodstream, across the “blood-brain barrier” into the brain and spinal cord.

https://www.tysabri.com

I had to sign my life away, and understand the this type of medication can cause PML - a condition which he said “you definitely don’t want to get” no cure and probably death, however will do a couple of tests for certain cells beforehand, which will show my chances of getting - hopefully it’s a 1 in 1500 - which will be a good enough odd for me I think! 

Anyway, I don’t want to think about the negative quite yet, am happy there is a drug I can take that can massively stop progression and hopefully improve symptoms somewhat. He said probably won’t make better than now, but should stop getting worse. It is taken by infusion, once a month back in Southampton Hospital. He advised a nurse should get in touch with me within a couple of weeks, just given current situation bear with. 

So we left quite positive today. 

In regards to visiting the hospital, it wasn’t quite as traumatic as I expected, found a car space easily and the hospital itself seemed relatively quiet. Masks on (and I can’t say I relish the mask wearing experience), a short walk and we were pretty much the only ones in the neurological department, seats all 2 metres apart, but we were in on time and back home by 11am. 

Thanks to my ever supportive husband for taking me and to you all for your well wishes, it’s really appreciated and we will beat this bloody disease. FMS :)

Have a great weekend, don’t go too far, stay safe and do a puzzle!

Han xx

No woman no cry

Thank you to the person that cancelled is all I can say. 

So after consistent calling to Southampton, by some miracle I have a cancellation appointment in the hospital tomorrow with the NHS MS neurologist doctor. That’s two weeks earlier than my original so really happy with that and to finally get the process started. I’ve been increasingly worried about it getting postponed due to the current pandemic, but the doctor phoned me on Wednesday to confirm he would still like to see me and to see in person how the MS has affected me. Of course, it is extremely worrying going into hospital at this time in history, and I won’t be doing it in haste, masks and gloves at the ready and in balance we agree it’s still the right thing to do. Thanks for the offer of the marigold loan everyone!

Our lives have been taken over by Covid-19, a craziness I never thought I’d ever see, and I hope that everyone is coping with their new found home life and surviving as best possible, keeping positive and healthy. 

TBH honest if we didn’t have TheHangar, garage gym the amazing handiwork of Neilly, I’m not sure how I’d be surviving, but as it happens I am OK, anxiety probably doubled on top of MS but I have come to be used to that! Our morning WOD and virtual coffee with the girls, lunchtime WOD with @CrossFitBasingstoke, the afternoon to do bills and sorting and a late afternoon walk with Neilly, followed by the daily Coronavirus update and a vino or two - well it’s getting us through! I’m scaling as much as possible though, given my jelly legs and annoying fatigue. A WOD could mean a yoga session, and I do try to have half an hour meditation lie down in the afternoon with Fizz. Well what I’m trying to say, is that we’re OK, I’m sure following the doctor tomorrow he might have a different way I should progress, but until told otherwise it is OK, we’re surviving, and I’m normally in bed before 9pm with a book! 

Oh and the camper van Lego set has been ordered for a new hobby, if I’m allowed by the husband to have a go!

My sleeping has been up and down, but in a better way for sure, and I seem at the moment to have found a slightly better mix of drugs though, and sticking with them for now. Although, I’m unconvinced by the Melatonin (although a lot better than the last), prescribed for the night, so have decided to take them every other day as a test. Whether that’s ‘the thing’ to do I’m not sure and I’m making the rules up as I go. Oh and update from last time, I can now successfully swallow five pills at the same time - one of my major achievements in life.

I have also bought a pipe and contemplating the medicinal MS solution of a spliff before bed and whether to take up an offer of ‘sorting us out’! Anyway, what do you mean it’s not legal in this country? Well I’ve tried CBD and not sure I’ve seen any results from that.....comments to my insta please! 

Quick one today and will let you know how it goes tomorrow!

Han xx

I can’t get no sleep... (as Faithless once said)

Anxiety levels are at an all time high at the moment in the world as Covid-19 takes over our lives, and that’s without MS to add to the equation. But, with all this going on, a totally surreal and sickening situation, it has almost made me feel like everyone is going through an unknown territory along with me and it’s dare I say, good to be in the midst of something that we are all going through together at the same time, it felt quite lonely for a while and I can’t believe this has happened in parallel.

Whether it’s added to the mass stress I already have (and in no way am I belittling this situation or taking anything for granted about the seriousness and the horrific consequences we are seeing very close to home), I couldn’t be sure, but in a weird way and somewhat selfishly, work, Neil being at home and everyone feeling on edge, is kind of how I’ve felt since I’ve found out and now it feels a bit like we’re all in it together as a team, and it’s actually bringing people together more and more. Many people have reached out to me and for that I thank you.

Unfortunately at the time of writing this, what I do know, is that I haven’t been able to sleep properly and that in turn has made every health issue seem a million times worse.

I have swapped and changed drugs what seems a million times already, one seems to counteract the other, and these are not even the actual MS drugs, these are for symptoms around MS, whether it’s the jaw, the eye, the sleep, the anxiety, the bladder, the bowels. They (the drugs) apparently are all essential and I must find the concoction that works! I have been getting so confused and forgetful, trying to remember even a few seconds after what I have taken (yep the mind has still gone atm and sure i have accidentally taken 2 of the same on at least one occasion), Neil has bought me one of those weekly plastic tub things, split up by day and time. Joy, this is what it has come to, although I prepared and chopped all yesterday, and has been a delight today - I’m just wondering whether I can ‘swallow’ perhaps 5 at the same time just for fun  (I do like to be efficient) or whether that is ill advised. Well was thinking they are all going to get mixed up once in anyway, but perhaps I should wait and ask the nurse that in due course...

Going back to ‘Anything mentionable is manageable’ that is how I’ve felt again, chronically fatigued, and unable to sleep despite myself. 

Today is the first day I’ve felt like I can bring pen to paper, “despite CrossFitting in the morning?” i hear you all scream, BUT that kind of feels like something I don’t need to think about it, whether that has been making me worse in the afternoon physically, I am declining to think about, I am sure CBT, Lyn will tell me off, Sorry! I just know mentally it makes me more stable, being able to do it and a sense of being ‘normal’ is massively what I need at the moment.

Day 1 Lockdown - 24 March 2020

Fast forward a few days from when I wrote the above we are now in shut down following Borris’s announcement last night. I actually haven’t left Sherfield Park since last Thursday or left home apart from thehangar or the local Nisa.

We take things for granted, the shops being open, the pub there for you when you fancy a glass of wine or a pint, the bin men coming, nail salons, hairdressers, everything, society just works. Now what happens? Everyone goes into panic mode, our grey roots appear (even when the hairdresser is your best friend they can’t sort out the horror via FaceTime and TBH the consequence would cause us both too many nightmares I agree Sarah!) , nails get grubby (god forbid we have to do them ourselves), Tesco is emptied of essentials by 8am with everyone fighting for the last toilet roll. Last week pre apocalypse was actually told by the shop assistant I was only allowed one pack however many was in it (we genuinely needed some, I had 2x4 as that was all that was on the shelf) luckily she then nicely found me a pack of 8 - taking away from me both 4s - that she had confiscated before me!

Now, having changed drugs and the time of day taking them yet another time, and having taken Neil’s US melatonin he brought back from the last work trip, I have managed to sleep (you guys are lucky!). Although am in slight panic mode as I write as have now taken them all, and the ‘good stuff’ is not available here, so am now awaiting (it’s a 5 day wait, I’m on day 3) the doctor’s prescription to be ready at Boots for collection (if I’m allowed)! We can talk medicinal weed next time..... 

Anyway...

@EdJackson8 reached out to me last week, an inspiration to all, a former pro rugby player, who had a horrific accident leaving him quadriplegic. Ever since he has been proving everyone wrong and literally been ‘climbing mountains’ mentally and physically. His words to me were “Life has a funny way of testing us, but overcoming these challenges that makes us who we are” I think that is relevant to all of us at the moment, we need to find ways to cope in a new situation, it’s not forever. We need to be kind, to think about our peers and find new ways to entertain ourselves. Staying at home at the moment, WILL save lives, not ours perhaps, but the more vulnerable, the weak and we need to think about our savours in the NHS. We are lucky to have this in the UK, we can’t take anything for granted. 

My dad’s locked up in Italy, singing on the balcony in a Prosecco fuelled Casperia, my mum in Pembrokeshire, an equally beautiful Wales but both on their own and love to you both and see you very soon. 

Here in Amazingstoke @all.sarah29, @boylaaaa @zoec196, @flobroughton and I have a great 7.45am online WOD gang going on, a Zoom sesh of either #NC60 or #CrossFitBasingstoke me @ thehangar, Flo in her fab garage gym, the others in garden enjoying the sun or lounges keeping the neighbours happy - it keeps our daily morning sessions and coffees going, without the expense of Starbucks! Also, I am attending the brilliant @CrossFitBasingstoke online training at lunch, I love it and it’s great to keep up with the gang, as well as saving on the petrol!

If anyone is feeling isolated, sad or just needs some fun, we all do, please reach out we are lucky enough to have the internet - imagine if we didn’t! This is a time to come together and what better way to do it than over a few burpees - you love it you know it Neilly!

Love to you all - stay home - sort out the drawers!

Han x

Numb left thumb

To the left to the left (there’s a Beyoncé song there somewhere)

To be honest, the numb thumb is the least of my problems, but is something I seem to have had for a while. It’s a kind of a pins and needles sensation that doesn’t ever go and it is rather annoying. Just thought I’d mention - I read an insta post recently - about someone who’s whole MS journey started with a numb big toe, if only I knew!

I should probably start with my eye, again on the left. So a couple of weeks ago - post the starting and stopping of the new Sertraline drug and the lack of sleep - my left eye became blurry. I did put this down to the above and figured everything would be clear again soon, however 10 days later it was still no better. So amongst the Corona chaos I spoke to the GP again who asked me to immediately go and see him. This somewhat surprised me as I am pretty used to being fobbed off! Anyway half an hour later I popped back over to the Chineham surgery and there I was told by the doctor he thought I had Optic Neurosis (another MS symptom) and was urgently referring me over to the Basingstoke eye centre at the hospital. I was really upset, I’m pretty sick of the ‘names’ and felt totally exhausted I guess, not really knowing what it was or having any info. Last week I was still feeling pretty tired and down so yet another shock to the system. 

However that night and morning, I read up a lot more about it and was feeling positive the next day that I would see properly again! Basingstoke hospital then phoned me up on the Friday, 2 days later and went straight in there to see the specialist eye doctor. 

I had the start of a cold and sneezed so was made to wear a mask, something not that easy when putting your eyes into the eye device (whatever it’s called) and needing to breathe at the same time. The eye doctor confirmed the GP’s diagnosis and said that I would need to see a neurologist, and that she would send an urgent note to Southampton to bring my actual NHS appointment forward currently on 17 April. Apparently it needs steroids to hurry the healing process up. 

Fast forward to today (Wednesday) and still no word, so I phone Southampton, who say they know nothing, phone GP who can’t help but give me the number of Basingstoke hospital eye centre, phone them they say the ‘urgent letter’ was sent, I then re-phone Southampton who say yes was actually received and viewed but deemed ‘not urgent enough’ to bring forward the appointment and suggest asking Basingstoke to make the note ‘more urgent’. So, I then phone again only to be told she wouldn’t change as have given all the facts - so 6 weeks more of blurry eye I have. 

Note - not to get in touch with DVLA quite yet. 

Sticking with the left theme, it feels a cursed side, left leg, hip, previous running injuries, all problems seem to be worse on the left. It might be a co-incidence but when my legs go and they turn to jelly, it’s the left knee that jars. I’m going to reinvestigate my medical history, as bet the lump that was taken out was from the left boob and that the giant cyst that was growing on my ovary and removed 5 years ago was on the left - damn the left - although this I’m guessing!

I’ve been engaging more with the community around MS on instagram and within the charities, and whereas i don’t feel quite ready to join a real life group, it’s really nice to see the amount of different aged people there are with a similar diagnosis and the support everyone gives each other. It’s equally then pretty scary to hear a lot of their stories and symptoms and I’m really torn as to how much of myself to give to this disease or how much to just s*d it and carry on as normal! 

I’m sure at CBT tomorrow I will get told not to look at it quite like that, and that resetting somewhat with this diagnosis is vital - which I am trying - I promise - I mean even Sarah said yesterday that she was quite impressed with my scaling at CrossFit this week, choosing the novice versions over the RX, although wasn’t sure on my additional box step ups that I thought I’d add for fun. However would take that as a positive step forward (not up!). 

And I have of course added yoga, meditation and Pilates to my schedule - now I haven’t done Pilates probably since the 90’s (as you can imagine, it’s always been a slightly boring concept to me), however it’s apparently good for MS and on at DW (FF) so went yesterday with my new found free time. I actually quite enjoyed it, was pretty relaxing and we used this kind of circle thing (no I’m not up with the Pilates lingo) for some core and stability stuff, very Jane Fonda I thought - pulse, pulse, pulse she goes (the small things!). 

Another thing I noticed on @MS_trippingonair - a Canadian blogger who kindly reached out to me, was that her MS had made her colour blind, which seems quite mad, as I have always thought I was colour blind - joking to Neilly in the past that it’s supposed to be men that are. Not true in our case as he has always been able to advise me on fashion mishaps and mismatches!

Anyway, getting this one done early especially for Gary in our 7am CrossFit class, hi morning crew and see you tomorrow!

To the right to the right...

Han xx

Suicide or tea today?

OK so it’s been a week (and now longer as it’s almost another since starting this) I have written, and I don’t know what it is about Tuesdays but they make me blue at the moment. Somewhat ironically I was born on a Tuesday - full of grace and all that, anyhow that’s not the point, a couple of key subject matters I flagged over the week. 

I wanted to get a GP appointment, our local surgery is particularly busy it seems. I phoned and asked for an urgent one. Firstly I was told to ring back and press a different option after a 10 minute wait (it’s hardly a call centre in Chineham but OK fine) did that and after being on hold for even longer listening to some alert about Coronavirus, I finally get through to someone. I ask for an urgent appointment, she says some date in March, given that it was the 12 February when I called, that hardly seemed urgent. Anyhow I explained that it was not an option, and she said someone would call me back later. So later when the nurse called, I mentioned my diagnosis and really need to speak to someone. She offered me a date 10 days later, but I if I was suicidal to please ring back sooner! 

Do you think that was the advice Caroline had? What If I had been suicidal, do you think I might have thought oh I better phone them back to check today is OK

Anyway, I won’t get all morbid, and truly still feel sick about poor Caroline, our media and social trolls, have taken away a young and talented lady. As she says, “in a world where we can be anything, be kind.” RIP.

Let’s talk wee. Over the last week, I did do my 4 day input and output measuring,  I got so used to peeing in a measuring jug that a couple of times during the last day I went to the effort of aiming for the jug, but then flushed it straight away without actually looking how much was there. Luckily I had also got use to knowing about how much was coming out, so made educated guesses where needed!

I’ve been gyming as normal, usually 7am before the day starts. Some have felt better than others. Box Jumps/Step overs always seem to be shaky on the leg balance, I haven’t dared to double under, sticking with the ski urg. I was worried about Friday’s workout, which included the dreaded skipping, but actually felt quite good with the replacement and by the end was reasonably happy - something I am quite reluctant to be with myself!

This week also saw my first CBT session, I was worried as have tried counselling once before and it really did not work, I did not feel comfortable talking to a guy twice my age and only managed a few. Anyhow this Wednesday with Lyn was good, she already has given me some practical brain advice, advised I have what’s called Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) with low self esteem and high self-expectations in her follow up email and promises to shed some more light as to why I am addicted to exercise next week!

So work. I guess I am still living in denial, have been going about gym and work as normal really up until now, and then cursing myself for being tired and emotional by the afternoon. Although I have been working at home, giving me the ability ‘to measure’ and to take breaks when needed I think the doctor yesterday was concerned that any small amounts of stress were being intensified at the moment and could be detrimental to my health. She was worried that until I get the call from Southampton and start the drugs any amount of stress could make things worse, and given the drug only promises to stop it in its tracks rather than help current problem she wants me to not work at all over next 2 weeks and concentrate on accepting things in my head first. I very reluctantly sent the certificate to HR yesterday and promised not to look at emails for a while.

Neil and I are looking forward to a trip back to Wales at the weekend, sea and (no) sun will always help put a few things in perspective.

Anyhow, back to the title of this blog, I choose tea. 

Try and talk to your family and friends if you are feeling down. #Love

The Wee Doctor

I struggled today.

This morning felt quite good, our WOD was Power Cleans, and was OK. Not as heavy as would like, and stopped at 40kg (this is hard but am trying to take some advice). And then after had a nice coffee with Sarah and Claire, and we started our days.

After a couple of work calls I then had to go to my Urology appointment at the Hampshire Clinic. This was the first time back there since two weeks ago when was given the ‘MS News’ with Neil.

It was OK, he was really good, we had a chat, I asked him some questions. He said he had seen A LOT of MS patients in his career, but never one so soon after diagnosis. I didn’t like to ask if this was good or bad, so for my own sanity, took the former to be true. He kindly assured me that it wasn’t my fault I had MS, and that I had not done it to myself.

I got given the drug Betmiga (50g) and advised to take one a day with water. He also mentioned it should help with both the bladder and the bowels and have to make a 4 day Fluid intake (and outtake) diary to show him in two weeks. Now this form, looks simple, but am still quite baffled as to how without a measuring jug you know how much you’re outputting. Anyhow, I will make a considered guess as can’t bring myself to actually measure each wee! Thank you for the offer of the hair jug device Sarah, but not sure your clients would be massively appreciative if they knew where it had been (or what it had held) before the hair dye on their heads!

It’s worth noting that when picking up the tablets in Boots after, the cashier kindly asked for (as a private prescription) £39.15! I almost had a heart attack to add to the chronic illness - I’m not sure I can afford MS!

Tesco was a struggle, I had made - during the 10 minute drive from the clinic to the Chineham Shopping centre - a conscious decision, that I would like to be a nicer person in every aspect, then....this old man with a walking stick knocked straight into me, and tutted away like it was my fault - wanker!

Anyway, felt quite spacey in the shop, complete forgot where I parked, and then attempted to get in the wrong car. In my defence, it was a Black GTD.

I am not sure whether I am back at work too soon after 4 days off last week, but feel worse in some respects. I feel like I don’t know who I am, or who I am supposed to be anymore. Also being on calls, is really hard and in some cases making me feel more teary. I kind of feel alone in that respect, I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I don’t want to be on my own wallowing in my own self pity, but also finding it hard to talk hard drives and gaming at the moment. This has really made question everything and my career choices. I massively appreciate the support from my colleagues and friends, and I guess a kind of unique situation, as working from home, can be even more stressful. I never want to turn off, and has always been a struggle in terms of time zones. I feel in a no-win situation, as can go into to the office, but the 3 hour round trip is not good for my health (or other drivers) as well!

I feel like the most contradictory person, as bet if I didn’t have those calls or work to at least half focus on, I’d have a whole new set of problems and.....I need the money!

By 3pm today was really tired and massively emotional, no real reason for it. Thank you Neilly, Sarah and Chris Collins for the messages this afternoon.

I would love to do the yoga class this evening at DW, but not sure I can bring myself to go back out today.

Over and out.

Han xxx

Get Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

Get comfortable with the uncomfortable (title word credit to Sarah Allcock, available for weddings, funerals and general get togethers, if you’re lucky)

I have had a few days to think even further on this, this being that word(s) MS. 
Now, I have expanded the list of people I have told (and believe me the first hit of send on social scared the shit out me), it got me thinking and worrying about whether I should tell people/anyone in general, and whether by saying that word(s) I am making people uncomfortable and perhaps they don’t know how to react when me saying I have just been diagnosed. I mean, what do you say, if you mention that C word as well? “Shit mate, sorry, life sucks” ?

I actually don’t have the answer, as yet indeed it can suck, we can all draw the short straw in life at any given moment. Illness, infidelity, death (not in that order) in fact the list is far too long for me to even start - so looking at the here and now, who should we tell and how do we stop people from feeling uncomfortable and sorry for us?

So, it seems normal practice to tell someone you have a cold/the flu, a bad head, but not to chuck in the M.S.or C words in there too...Should I shake someone’s hand, and say ‘Hi i’m Hannah from Sherfield Park (too posh to call Basingstoke but really it is), I have MS’ just like someone says ‘Don’t come too close to me I have a cold’ ? Probably not, but it’s a thought! 

I say this, as this week I have been attending the local CrossFit box in Haverfordwest, where really I don’t know the athletes from Adam, as lovely as they are. But after the initial, I am visiting my mum for a few days, i’ve been adding in the ‘oh and my double unders are fucked as I now have MS’. Probably not the normal greeting, but nevertheless my anger on my legs not working properly, has at the moment still got the better of me. 
A couple of ‘oh shit’ faces i’m sure but did I really need to add that in there? Do I want people to know I am normally better at this shit, but now i’m defined by my disease? Probably, but that’s my problem and have indeed been referred for 10 CBT sessions by Bupa’s health doctor - oh and for people who are not sure what that is, it stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (TBH I wasn’t sure either until I was told I needed it). I worried about mentioning probably even more so in my own CrossFit gym at home last week, sorry guys, I just don’t want to make an excuse for being shitter than before. It was OK, when it just involved a hangover!

This afternoon I have come into a lovely pub in Little Haven to look at the sea, a place Neilly and I love, and the bar man Alfie, a nice young man, starts up a conversation whilst ordering my wine (yes I’m allowed wine). This somehow involves him telling me (in probably the less than 5 minutes we were talking) that he has been banned from driving for 15 months, following him driving his un-MOT’d car at speed away from a police car in Cardiff, being chased for a while but getting away (I think he was showing off on his driving skills there, but that’s irrelevant) but that he ended up handing himself in the next day. I did find this funny, although I probably shouldn’t, and he does indeed as promised come up as the first hit when googling ‘Alfie Young Police Chase’ which he told me I could check. He did also add that he never had been in trouble before, and the 15 month ban, and 6 month suspended sentence seemed a wee bit harsh! 

Anyway, the point i’m trying to make, is that as humans, we have a preconception about what is normal chitchat and what isn’t. Perhaps I look trustworthy (or dodgy on my own on an iPad in West Wales) and perhaps it is the British in me that thinks such things aren’t talked about, so sorry I don’t mean to be presumptuous as i’m not suggesting we start all sorts of inappropriate conversations (Brexit included!), but maybe we need to change that. Maybe given I am stuck with MS for life and so are the other 2.3 million people in the world (that stat is from nationalmssociety.org but can’t believe that’s it) this is something we should talk about, we can joke about and something that we should bring to the table - along with the wine and the police chases!

Just a thought. 


WOD today was:

3 x 10 Min AMRAP in teams of 3

1.
30 consecutive DU or 50 singles (I struggled with these, so managed about 30 singles at a time)
10 x Synchro Thrusters (stuck at 25kg)

2 min rest

2.
30 Pull ups
10 x synchro OH Squats (stuck at 25 too)

2 min rest

3.
200m Row
10 x synchro power cleans (30kg)

Felt a little conscious in a team WOD today, not being able to work full capacity and quite leg intensive , but was good.

Well done to my CFB hero’s for hitting Karen today (to everyone else, don’t worry they are all now in custody)

Now for Ireland v Wales rugby tomorrow! C’mon Wales!

Han xx