Anything mentionable is manageable....

Following the doctor last Friday and the sick note reluctantly delivered to work, I started on some more medication, basically an anti-depressant called Sertraline to add to the cocktail, this was to replace the Amitrptyline I was already on for my painful jaw, stress induced. That weekend, I started feeling queasy and sick and by the Monday was really feeling dreadful and had been unable to sleep properly all weekend. I had had a hectic one with the family and too much wine, so thought it was probably self induced, however my head was definitely on a different planet on my drive home from the gym still by Monday morning so booked an appointment  to speak to the online doctor (luckily i can speak to someone from Bupa quite quickly online and not the 10 day NHS wait). They confirmed it was OK to stop with the Sertraline, restart with the Amitriptyline as had not been that long. They also let me know that some people do have a bad reaction, and probably considering the other MS drugs I had recently started it was unsurprising. In hindsight it probably wasn’t a good idea to start pill popping everything that weekend like I was back in 1999, not thinking, and expect no consequence as well - oh the memories!

That drive back from the gym on Monday reminds me of the ‘double v’ I got en route from a driving instructor too in Chineham Business Park, I mean regardless of whether I deserved it, is that the right road rage message to give to your pupil whilst your teaching too?!

Anyway back to the drugs, I was in turmoil as originally was on this Amitriptyline for my aching jaw, I didn’t realise until starting the new one last week and properly researching the side effects of each, that that drug was making me constipated (I had been for months) but the new one was now making me an insomniac, I decided (with a little help from my friends) I choose sleep (over poo)! 

Honestly I can’t explain how awful I felt, I still went to the gym in the morning and was probably lucky it was a 7am class as by later on I was feeling like a dead person and pretty much looked it.

During all this my mum was also staying and sort of felt an obligation to do something so booked for the cinema Tuesday afternoon. We didn’t really know what to watch so sort of off the cuff chose ‘It’s a beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood’ with Tom Hanks, I’d seen him on Graham Norton and he’s usually good for a ‘good un’. I will admit, I’m not the best for a cinema experience, having been compared to a small child having the inability to stay still for the duration. However, I thought, if nothing else, it might be a good way for me to have a snooze for a short while (memories of that really shit James Bond one stood me well!). Watching that film, I mean I had never really heard of Mister Rogers, but the music somehow was massively calming, his voice was so soft it made me really emotional and by the end something had really resonated with me, if not just this quote that I had to write down and look up straight after:

Anything mentionable is manageable

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” Fred Rogers

For my fellow Europeans (don’t mention the B word) and bear with us our American friends, Fred Rogers was an American television personality, musician, puppeteer, writer, producer, and Presbyterian minister. He was the creator, showrunner and host of the preschool television series Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, which ran from 1968 to 2001.(courtesy of Wikipedia)

I think his words kind of relates back to a previous blog, ‘get comfortable with the uncomfortable’ the more we speak about something the more we understand how we can deal with it. For me, I’m still learning, and the more I learn at the moment yes the more scary it is, but I guess that’s the point. Believe me I am getting some tough love in my sessions, and some real awakenings as to how I’m ‘not’ going to be able to carry on exactly as before. I can’t admit not to be upset by this, but over the last few weeks am now following more people living with a chronic illness, and I am through everyone trying to learn how to look at this more positively, how I can change my mindset to looking at how I can live rather than how I can’t. 

I have spoken to inspiring people over the last few weeks and people who have had their own traumas, I have done more yoga and meditation (something i have struggled with being a manic, I haven’t got time for this, kind of person). I have been told that eventually I should see MS as a gift and use it for many positive changes (not quite yet!). Speaking to the lovely yoga lady at FF, she recommended I tried to ground myself and said to try standing in the garden in bear feet and go straight into a Epsom salts bath. I did try this, however it was pi**ing down, so got completely soaked before getting in the bath and did feel slightly daft, in the garden trying to look contemplative at Sherfield Park! But do understand how the outdoors and nature can make everything a little better, so will definitely try again!

Just returned from a lovely long weekend in Pembrokeshire with Neilly with nature and beauty in abundance. Watching the tides, and feeling the wind so wild it will knock you over in an instance puts a few things into perspective, we don’t really have a choice! 

Many thanks to CrossFit Basingstoke for member of the month. Humbled and  appreciate the love and support from all. I’m not worthy! Thanks Chris and Nigel. 

Oh and I got my Southampton hospital appointment - April 17th!

Have a great weekend everyone and see you next time.